The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
