When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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