I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
