You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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