Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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