You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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