By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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