it was like eating out sand paper
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
