Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
