OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
