he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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