i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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