I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The air taste purple.
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