I want to make a zoo with you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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