she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
