Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
