True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
