Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
