I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
