You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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