I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
