you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
