I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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