You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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