Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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