So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
