I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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