She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
