Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We are two peas in an std pod
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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