Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Fuck appropriateness.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
