i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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