I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
