I wish my penis had an off switch
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I met the friendliest cop last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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