i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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