oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
