I met the friendliest cop last night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
