I wannas sexs uuuuu
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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