i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
