Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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