here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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