The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
