your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
