i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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