You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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