he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
