Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
