guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
