I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
