The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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