I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
