hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am midnight drunk by noon
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
