i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
