Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I forget how to act sober
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